


Hold On

by LadyZephyr



Series: Between the Lines [2]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Sad, Sexy, romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-19 00:31:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2367662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Strange to fall in love only to begin decay. Cosima and Delphine's love story in season two. Takes place in same universe as After Hours - but this one actually has a plot. Not safe for work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Delphine glances around her apartment, she cannot see Cosima. Has she gone to bed? Or back to her hotel? The kitchen seems clean - Cosima’s loaded the dinner dishes in the dishwasher. She doesn’t want Cosima back at the hotel, she wants Cosima here, all night. They’d spent the day working on setting up their lab and supervising work on it, she had been hoping they’d get to enjoy each other tonight, and be... alone together. Finally she glances out the sliding door leading to the balcony, she throws open the door. Cosima is hacking, trying to hide the fact she cannot stop coughing and looking at her sheepishly.  
 “No more smoking!” She shouts at Cosima, who nearly drops her joint, before stubbing it out in the ashtray looking like a child who’s been caught with their mom’s credit card. They’d been through this before, yesterday.  
 “Relax Delphine, it’s just pot, it’s not as bad as cigarettes.” Cosima is right of course, Delphine knows full well that several times a day she goes outside and fills her lungs with poison out of habit, easing her stress, and the addiction that she’s catered to for the last decade or so of her life. Though since those words, I’m sick Delphine, she was unable to stop phrases like risk factors, and second-hand smoke from running through her mind when she looked at her cigarettes.

“Ma chérie, we’ve been through this.” Delphine attempts to soften the blow, “You have lung polyps, you are coughing up blood. You cannot do this, it will make you sicker, faster.” Inhalation of any burning substance into the lungs results in irritation, and in Cosima’s case, likely making her worse.

“Fine.” Cosima stubbs out the joint, “I’ll go buy a fucking vapourizer. Is that allowed?” Cosima slams the screen door on the way back inside, “Hypocrite.” Cosima shouts from inside.  
I’m quitting, Delphine longs to shout back, I’m trying. Anything to save Cosima, giving up cigarettes, researching long past normal office hours, giving blood samples to Aldous. Anything.

While out on her drugstore run, Delphine had called the Health Canada Leave the Pack behind helpline. She’d spent half an hour talking with a nurse, in French, about quitting techniques. The things she did when Cosima hadn’t noticed, it didn’t seem to matter, Cosima hadn’t even noticed her increased frustration. Her usual run for cigarettes and condoms had been replaced by a run for nicotine patches, she doesn’t trust her own willpower without aids. She has been a smoker too long for that. Changing her habits and patterns - she had a list of things to do instead of going outside to smoke. Cosima was at the top of the list, if she calmed down soon enough.

Left alone on her balcony, Delphine laughs to herself, she’d never intended to become a smoker, in fact she’d made her way most of the way through her adolescence barely touching a cigarette. But when university stress caught up with her, she found herself reaching for cigarettes. Falling on the same crutch as her chain-smoking mother. She glances at the ashtray, considering. She hadn’t thrown away her last two cigarettes, she knows exactly where they were...

Medical school had done little to alleviate the feeling of hypocrisy she felt. She told herself plenty of things to justify her habit. There were plenty of nurses and doctors that smoked, she only smoked a little, and at the very least she did not smoke as much as either of her parents. Nevertheless she went through a pack every few days. More since she began working for DYAD, and Aldous. Being with him certainly made her need to smoke more.

She goes back inside to find Cosima sitting sullenly on the couch, head in her hands.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. Me too. I just needed to unwind. But I’ll figure something out that will be easier on my lungs.” Cosima holds out her hand and pulls her down on the couch.

“There’s every reason to hope that we’ll find something. DYAD has many resources. We have access to them.”

“I know.” Cosima hesitates, “Come here.” Cosima pulls her into a kiss, surely she must notice that she no longer tastes of cigarettes. Cosima tastes and smells strongly of pot, but she doesn’t mind. Beneath the cloying scent of marijuana, there is a scent that is purely Cosima, it’s that Delphine craves most of all.

She lets Cosima pull her in, moving to straddle her on the couch as Cosima’s hands dip under her shirt, before changing her mind and working the buttons. Cosima preferred easier access - the thought makes her laugh. She’s happy to oblige her.

“Do I feel sick to you now?” Cosima asks.

“No.” And it’s true, she doesn’t. Delphine forgets everything except how Cosima, her beautiful Cosima, is kissing her, touching her. She even forgets about the nicotine patch on her shoulder until...

“What’s this?” Cosima’s hand has found the nicotine patch, applied to her shoulder.

“Nicotine patch.” Delphine answers between kisses. She does not want Cosima to become distracted, she wants her now, while she’s still healthy enough, while her energy is still sufficient for sex.  
 “You’re quitting?” Cosima breaks away for a moment, she seems pleased if anything. Delphine cannot deny the look on Cosima’s face makes it worth it.

“If you cannot smoke, neither will I.” Delphine states simply. Other reasons, being a physician, wishing to preserve her skin are secondary. Though she assumes her medical colleagues will approve.

Cosima grins, “I’ll help distract you... when you want to smoke - we’ll go do something else instead, okay?”

“Okay.” Delphine smiles.

“It’s going to be easier on me you know. Pot isn’t really addictive.”

“Perhaps I should find something else to do with my mouth.” Delphine hints. It’s what she’s been wanting to try for the last couple days, but Cosima’s always leading, even when she’s on the bottom.

Cosima misreads her, or perhaps reads her accurately tugging her in for a kiss with a low groan.  
They sprawl on the couch kissing like teenagers, grinding for friction.

Her leg inches between Cosima’s, who rolls her hips to meet it. Her hands pulling off Cosima’s shirt before reaching down between them to remove her pants. Cosima grins at the touch of her fingers sliding under fabric.

“You want it like this?” Cosima whispers hoarsely kicking off her pants, strong hands gripping Delphine’s hips, beginning to work the fabric from them to cast on to the floor.

“Anything.” Delphine breathes, her hand is trapped by Cosima’s, who is intent on playing with her fingers.

Cosima draws Delphine’s hand to her mouth, taking its digits delicately into her mouth, smoothing over them with her tongue, sucking on her fingers. Delphine has never had a lover so interested in her hands, the touch of Cosima’s warm mouth to her fingers makes her whimper and ache. It’s an erogenous zone she’s somehow missed out on up until now, but Cosima seems to be making up for lost time.

“You have such beautiful hands Delphine.” Cosima murmurs into her skin, kissing the skin on her palm.

“I want to be inside you again.” Delphine husks back at her. Cosima’s pleasure had to come first this time, she’d decided. She’s still too sore from last night anyways.

“Oh yes.” Cosima’s tongue slides into her mouth as she begins to strip Delphine, tossing her bra and pants onto the floor until she’s naked in front of her.

“Can I be on top?” Delphine asks, leaning down over Cosima as she asks permission. Cosima’s reached for her own panties, today a red lace, and throws them off on to the floor.

“Uh... YES!” Cosima shakes her head in disbelief she’s even being asked this, “Of course, here...” Cosima spreads her bare legs and pulls Delphine between them. She can feel Cosima’s arousal pressed to her bare skin, it makes her shudder slightly. Delphine is struck by a sudden desire to press her sex into Cosima’s, do women do that? She wonders silently for a moment. Delphine knows she certainly could, an advantage to having access to Cosima’s medical data, Cosima cannot get her sick. But would it please her? She considers for a moment before Cosima pulls her in to kiss again, plundering her mouth with her tongue, Delphine stops her pushing her down, playful eyes looking questioningly back at her.

She reaches for Cosima’s bra, it’s not that different from removing her own, she throws that behind her as well as Cosima hastily removes her rings and glasses and shoves them safely onto the coffee table.

Delphine touches her almost questioningly at first, though bolder than last night certainly. She knows now she can please Cosima, she can make her come and moan and cry out for her. Like this? Her hand asks stroking at Cosima, who’s eyes urge her on, who moans encouragingly and whispers sexy things.

She doesn’t say it, but she knows the truth, every touch to Cosima’s body is je t’aime. Every slide of her own body over Cosima’s smaller form, every thrust of her fingers inside her, every time their eyes lock, or Cosima’s mouth seeks hers, kissing across her face messily. She can feel Cosima’s inner muscles clenching down on her fingers, holding her deeper. Cosima is making sweet little noises, one leg thrown over Delphine’s hip urging her deeper. Delphine loves this, she loves being on top of Cosima, inside of her, it makes her ache and whimper into Cosima’s skin. She feels her own body tighten in response to pleasuring Cosima.

“You feel so good inside me.” Cosima groans, “So good... Delphine.” A strong hand comes up to tenderly cup her face as she moves over her.

Tombes amoureuse de moi, she wants to beg, fall in love with me. Instead she simply moans, “Cosima...” Keeping up her movements, thrusting into her, stroking at her with her thumb until Cosima goes quiet, arching up and shaking under her, mouth falling open wordlessly as she comes. Cosima’s hands clutch at her back and it may just be the sexiest moment she’s ever had.

Afterwards she holds Cosima on the couch, kissing her forehead, trapping her in her arms, “Well you’re definitely getting the hang of that quickly.” Cosima says contently, breathing heavy.

“Bon.” She answers without thinking making Cosima giggle under her.

“Come on... bed, there’s more room.” Cosima urges her up and follows to Delphine’s bedroom.    
Cosima’s all over her, hands in her hair and body deliberately rubbing against hers as they make their way to the bed.  
 “Now it’s your turn Dr. Cormier.” Cosima teases her pinning her to the bed, fingers teasing curls. She goes with it first, Delphine is spread and under Cosima in no time, a towel thrown on the bed to protect it. Cosima’s hand working it’s way ever closer to her dripping sex.

“I’m still sore.” Delphine admits finally, she’d been hiding that most of the day. Last night had been fantastic, Cosima’s hand had felt amazing, but it had left her feeling very sore.  
 “Oh... Delphine.” Cosima croons at her, kissing next to her ear, “Why didn’t you tell me it hurt?”

“I liked it too much.” Delphine responds remembering, she closes her eyes briefly, biting at her lip. Being that full, feeling that full... She will be asking Cosima to do that again, but not quite yet.  
 “It was incredible.” Cosima echoes her words from last night, “Having you like that, so open to me. I was so deep inside you.” Cosima groans the last few words, like she’s reminiscing too.

“I want you.” Delphine insists, she’ll take Cosima again - let tonight be Cosima’s, let her feel Cosima come for her again and again. Like Cosima had done for her the first two nights they spent together.

“I don’t have to be inside you.” Cosima reminds her, “If you’re too sore, there are plenty of other things I can do.”

“Oh?” Delphine glances up at her, watching Cosima move herself down her body slowly, lips attach themselves to her neck, her collar bone, tease around her nipples...

“Besides... I want you in my mouth.” Cosima husks, “I want to taste you, feel you writhe under my mouth...” Cosima groans this now, Delphine is unsure for a moment if she’s trying to excite her or genuinely craving her like that.

“Prends-moi.” Delphine urges, take me, take me like that. Love is certainly the best aphrodisiac she’s ever known. She’s insanely aroused with Cosima, it still surprises her.

Cosima moves down her body, whispering things she cannot quite make out into her skin. She traces the moles on her belly with her tongue on her way down, making her squirm in anticipation.

“You’re pretty.” Cosima’s voice is muffled into her inner thigh, kissing slowly, deliberately, “You’re pretty everywhere.”

Cosima kisses the tuft of curls and then down, and Delphine cannot look away, not for a second. Her breath catches in the back of her throat and Cosima’s sweet mouth is right there, her breath ghosting over sensitive flesh.

“T’es belle Cosima.” Delphine looks down her own body and meets Cosima’s eyes. Last night they had avoided hers, while she did this. Not tonight, thankfully. The image of Cosima with her face buried between her legs should be comical, but it never is.  
 Cosima teases her with slow long licks and suckling kisses until she’s moving into her mouth, Cosima’s whimpering into her and Delphine can feel Cosima rolling her own hips into the mattress, it’s so incredibly erotic.

“Cosima...” She moans, staring down at her, fingers teasing the remaining soft hairs at the back of her neck. Pushing Cosima into her, wordlessly begging her not to tease again, not when she’s so close. She sees one of Cosima’s arms move from clutching at her hip but it doesn’t quite register at first what she’s doing, though she misses the sensation of strong fingers digging into her skin.  
It hits her as she feels Cosima working her more desperately. Her head rolls back with a loud moan when she realizes that Cosima has snuck her hand down between the mattress and her rolling hips.  
 “T’es.... You’re touching yourself.” It emerges from her mouth almost garbled as she changes languages. Her voice sounds throaty and desperate, even to herself.

“Mmm.” Cosima hums into her affirmatively, as she crashes over the edge, coming hard under Cosima’s mouth.

She’s lying there breathing heavy, collapsed against the mattress as Cosima continues to kiss her sex, to roll her hips into her own hand, Delphine wonders for a moment if she should let her finish like that - but she wants to take her herself too badly.

She grips Cosima’s shoulders and pulls firmly until she releases her sex from her mouth and moves up her body. She’s still touching herself, the thought both arouses and concerns her.  
“Is something wrong? Do you not want me to?” Cosima asks breathless, her hand coming back to rest on Delphine’s thigh, slick from her own body. Her face is wet below her nose, coated in Delphine’s arousal.

“Was it not enough? With my hands before?” Delphine asks, her brow furrowing in concern.

“Yeah. No it was great... I know I just came right before I started but I got so turned on going down on you.” Cosima smiles, kissing at her belly.

“I want to do it. Let me.” Delphine rolls Cosima over with a silly grin and begins to move down her body, she has to try, she wants to try. She’s inches away from Cosima’s sex now, she can smell her, see the dark damp curls, Cosima certainly smells good.

Cosima stops her briefly, “You can want me and not like this... and that would still be okay. You know, not everyone is into eating pussy. It’s not like a deal-breaker if you don’t.”

“Alright.” Delphine nods, does Cosima not want it? She’s done this for men, of course, usually more for them - she was never thrilled with it. “Are you?”

“You have to ask?” Cosima’s smiling at her bemusedly, “Do you not hear how I groan into you? I cannot get enough. I adore it... and you taste so good. Even better than eskimo pies.” Cosima finishes on a teasing note.

“I want to try. I want to taste you.” She murmurs softly, pressing her mouth softly to Cosima’s hip bone.

“Oh yes... I mean... ugh I’ll just shut up.” Cosima laughs, before looking at her seriously, “I only want this if you want to do it, if you like doing it...” She emphasizes this as if it makes a difference. This is about Cosima after all, she’s going to do it, that much is decided.

“Let me...” Delphine asks, positioning herself between Cosima’s legs. She hasn’t had an opportunity to just look at Cosima like this, to study her sex, she looks at her briefly before leaning in, her tongue making a first tentative lick. Cosima’s fingers slide gently over her head.

“So?” Cosima asks, waiting on a decision. How can she look so calm if she’s teetering on the edge? Delphine wonders

It is not like doing this to men. Nothing at all, she quickly realizes. Not the taste, not the movements, nothing. This is completely new: Cosima, musky and sweet under her tongue, Cosima, staring down at her tenderly, “I want to.”  
 Cosima smiles gently at her, strokes at her face as she descends back down. Her tongue’s movements are tentative, she knows Cosima must be growing frustrated, but she’s achingly patient with her. One hand grabs hers, interlacing their fingers against Cosima’s body, above her head. Cosima’s other hand tangles itself in her hair.

Delphine takes Cosima into her mouth, using her lips as well, mimicking Cosima’s earlier movements. Cosima’s noises get lower, more beautifully desperate. Cosima is all she can feel, all she can taste, everything is Cosima. And she’s.... enjoying herself, moaning into Cosima. Oh. She knows now why Cosima was rocking her hips, she couldn’t help it, and neither can Delphine. Je t’aime, she thinks again, let this show her.

“Delphine...” Cosima’s moaning her name, “Please don’t stop... please...” She feels Cosima tense and quiver on the edge, thighs trapping her here, intimately pressed against her.

There’s a low cry and an unexpected rush of wet desire in her mouth. Her eyes widen in surprise, but she keeps working her, until she’s certain from the sounds and sensitivity that Cosima came for her. She swallows, laying a gentle kiss against her. She rests her face against Cosima’s thigh breathing heavy. Delphine is puzzled for a moment, she’s heard of this, but it’s never happened to her... will this always happen with Cosima?

“Oh shit... I squirted, didn’t I?” Cosima’s looking down at her, “Fuck. Sorry, I didn't think I would the first time.”

“Yes.” Delphine nods, kissing up her body, she takes a breast into her mouth for a moment before moving her eyes up to meet Cosima’s.

“Surprise?” Cosima smiles sheepishly, “I probably should have warned you about that. I was going to warn you.”

“Ne t'inquiète pas, mon amour.” Delphine raises her head, she finds herself pulled in for a kiss.

When Cosima releases her, she’s looking at her strangely, “Do you like it?”

“Yes.” Delphine laughs slightly, out of breath. I love it, she wants to say it all; I love you, I love your body. She pours the emotion into a kiss instead, tangling her limbs with Cosima’s in the middle of the bed.


	2. Chapter 2

It starts with a simple email, Cosima’s checking her email in the morning from the kitchen table as Delphine cleans up after breakfast. She’s still sore from two days ago, a fact that hasn’t escaped her attention, or Cosima’s.  
 “You’re fired?!” Delphine glances at Cosima with concern, “Did you have a job you forgot to quit in Minnesota?” This was not good, if Cosima was that forgetful how did she ever manage to get things done? Delphine had taken care of the University of Minnesota issue with her - having Cosima go on leave to work for DYAD had actually pleased her advisors. It had been easy, if there was something forgotten...

“No... No... It’s my mom... it means I haven’t called or emailed in over two weeks. Shit... Shit...” Cosima jumps to her feet and searches around for her cell phone, selecting a number and shoving it against her ear.

Even on the phone Cosima gestures, it makes her smile. Delphine’s supposed to be working, she has to be working - Cosima’s life depends on it - but she’s watching her. She’s not even checking her own email for news from Aldous or researching autoimmune issues. She hasn’t looked at clone medical data in weeks, not since going to meet Cosima, and wonders what she’s missed. She doesn’t know most of their names, only tag numbers and medical information. Delphine didn’t think of it much before Cosima, but the inescapable reality that these were all people; people who resembled her precious Cosima, was more difficult than ever to ignore. 

“Yeah sorry... Hey mom. How’s dad?” Cosima nods listening to her mother.

“Should I leave you alone?” Delphine offers, but Cosima shakes her head. 

“Well yeah a lot has happened yup. I met someone,” Cosima pauses, “She. Delphine”

Cosima’s pacing and gesturing, the phone held to her ear by one shoulder.

“Yeah well... she is French. No, I’m not in France,” Cosima laughs, “But I’m not in Minnesota either, I’m in Toronto.”

Delphine hears the garbled voice grow in volume through the speaker.

“No Mom, it’s fine. I know I’m supposed to tell you when I leave the country... I’m telling you now... I’m on leave. I’m going to finish my PhD... umm well my Master’s was another story.... I did finish it Mom, remember? You and dad were there.” Cosima paces faster, one hand gesturing more enthusiastically.

“Cosima, are you alright?” Delphine asks, but Cosima’s tied up in whatever conversation she’s been drawn into.

“I’m working for DYAD.... yeah they do a lot of scientific and medical research. Delphine works for them... mmhmmm... immunology,” Cosima hesitates again, “I think she’s a couple years older than me...” Cosima glances at Delphine again.

Delphine shakes her head, they’re the same age. Cosima nine months older, but Cosima has never asked her age.

“Or not...umm don’t worry about it. It’s a new thing after all... I’m fine... Yeah I have a work visa obvs... I’m like kind of living with Delphine.”

Delphine takes that moment to excuse herself to go shower before work. With the running water she doesn’t hear Cosima until the curtain opens.  
“Didn’t you already shower?” 

“Yeah.” Cosima answers, “And now I’m going to shower again, with you.”

“Did you tell them?” Delphine asks as Cosima slips in between herself and the spray, closing the curtain behind her. 

“Tell them what? Their beloved only child is a clone? No. Definitely not.” Cosima’s laughing again 

“That you’re sick.” Delphine answered, would Cosima want her parents? Would that even be possible to arrange for her?

“No. If I told them they’d fly to Toronto, they’re retired - nothing stopping them. And we would have a sudden lack of privacy. Plus there’s the clone thing that they should never know about.” Cosima states this rather seriously moving in closer, wrapping her arms around Delphine’s waist. 

“You don’t get along?” Delphine understands this, she avoids her father and step-mother most of the time, she speaks with her mother every couple weeks or so. 

“Oh we do.” Cosima nods, “They just do their own thing. Travel. Retirement stuff. Let me do mine. They were around a lot when I was younger but they give me plenty of space these days, you know, adulthood.”

“Then why not tell them?”  
 Cosima’s shaking her head, “Because my mom and dad would be here, crying all over me and we’d never get to be alone again. Just not yet. Okay?”

“Okay.” Delphine agrees, that decision can be Cosima’s, she won’t interfere unless it saves her life. Saving Cosima is more important than keeping her, she knows that much. The last few nights they’ve been a cuddly tangled lump in the middle of Delphine’s bed, she doesn’t want to give that up. 

Cosima’s kissing her neck and she really should stop her, she’s supposed to be at work in twenty minutes, they’re already running late but she just moans freely, arms closing around her new lover. 

“It’s so easy...” Cosima whispers.

“What is?” Delphine breathes, the hot spray of the shower, Cosima’s proximity had her feeling heat that was in no way related to the warm water. 

“Losing myself in you.” 

She drops her head to capture Cosima’s lips, sliding her tongue into Cosima’s mouth with a whimper. She was not going to be on time for work. At least she had a bathmat that would hopefully prevent them from slipping and falling. 

Cosima’s hand slips between her legs, “Oh yes,” Cosima hums, between deep kisses, “You’re always so wet.”

“Tu me plais.” Delphine runs her fingers along Cosima’s face, her jaw, her neck, “You’re so soft Cosima...”  
 “What does it mean? Tu me plais.” Cosima shifts her attention to nip at her earlobe gently, sucking it into her mouth. Her hand still stroking gently, teasing her.  
 A moan follows before she answers, “You please me.”

Cosima’s tongue is in her mouth before she has a chance to elaborate, her hand moving against her, almost frantically. Cosima has been slow and deliberate with her so far, but this is anything but slow. This is needy, quick and... desperate. Delphine lets her head fall back to the slippery cold tile wall behind her, the spray barely reaching her now through Cosima. 

It’s not going to last long, she grabs at Cosima to steady herself, digging her fingers into soft slick skin. When she climaxes she nearly falls, but Cosima presses her back into the cool tile wall. Cosima holds her like that stroking at her skin until she feels steady enough to move again. Cosima’s hands on her hips guide her to switch their positions, allowing Delphine to warm herself under the spray. 

“You okay?” Cosima pants. 

“Yes.” Delphine nods, quickly rinsing under the spray before stepping out of the shower - she’d really have to hurry into DYAD this morning. At least Aldous was away, no one was directly supervising her now. Still, this wasn’t like her to be late for work. 

Cosima follows a moment or two later, wrapped in a large fluffy towel and flopping contentedly on the bed. 

“Why did you have to tell your mother I’m a woman?” Delphine asks, pulling on her clothes quickly. They were going to be late. Merde. 

“Oh... cause with me she’s never sure what to expect. Usually a woman but not always. My parents don’t care either way, it’s just so they know the name and what pronouns to use.” Cosima explains, fingers mapping intricate patterns above her head. 

“Was it women first? Did you sleep with men later?” Delphine’s curious about this, she’s aware of Cosima’s sexual history from a medical perspective. Aware of stupid decisions and a course of antibiotics. But... that barely scratches the surface. 

“No... my first was a guy actually.” Cosima answers nonchalantly, lounging on the bed.

“Really?” Delphine had trouble picturing Cosima with men, it didn’t fit to her brain, not when she was used to seeing Cosima all over her. Then again sexuality was a spectrum, Cosima was intelligent enough to see that.

“Well... I wanted to sleep with my friend Steph. We used to make out topless in my room, off and on for months - but sleeping with me or you know, actually being my girlfriend would make her gay and Steph was very clear she couldn’t be gay. So I like got annoyed around my 18th birthday and had sex with a guy I played D and D with.” Cosima responds looking somewhat amused by her own anecdote.

“Did you like him?” Delphine wonders out loud. It doesn’t sound like a funny situation to her, but Cosima seems on the verge of laughing all the same. Her lover just makes the best of everything, nothing seems capable of getting her down. 

“Well...it was really more out of curiosity. He was a year younger and well... he didn’t listen, like at all. The sex with Daniel was really bad. I basically went over one night to play games and asked him to have sex. So he pounded me into his parents’ pull-out couch for about three minutes before ejaculating and collapsing on me. So there I am telling him that no I didn’t have an orgasm and he has to pinch the condom and pull out before it falls off inside me, and then his mother walks in. So Mrs. Shapiro was yelling at us, and I was naked and...just... completely ridiculous.” Cosima breaks into laughter, obviously picturing the unfortunate scenario.

“Oh no.” Delphine strokes Cosima’s face, this is a terrible story, why is Cosima laughing?

“No seventeen year old is a sex god. I seriously thought about drawing him a labelled diagram of the female anatomy. Obviously Daniel and I never had sex again,” Cosima pauses with a wry smile on her face, “University was better. Berkley. More women, a few guys. Much better sex.” Cosima grins happily. 

Delphine wonders briefly if she should share as well, she had liked her first very much, but telling Cosima of a time a much younger Delphine was told she was too old to be a tease and pestered into sex by a boyfriend she desperately wanted to please isn’t really a funny story.  
“Well that is true.” Delphine nods, finally deciding on what to say.  
 “Makes a funny story.” Cosima flops back on the bed laughing to herself, “I think it was probably a bit vindictive of me at the time though. Oh right, how late are we going to be for work?”

“We’re already late, I need to get to work,” Delphine remembers suddenly, gathering her last few belongings as she steps into her shoes, “I’ll meet you at DYAD?”

Cosima nods, she’s not dressed yet. “I’ll catch the next subway.” She nods, and watches Delphine dash out of the bedroom.    
Delphine locks the door behind her before checking her phone. “Salope.” She curses aloud on her way down the stairs, it’s a message from Aldous. A familiar tag number with a name, Jennifer Fitzsimmons, and a date of death. Three days ago. He’s away of course, but she’s newly permitted access to video files of Jennifer, and instructed the autopsy will fall to her. Annoyance at not being told sooner fills her, along with a strange sort of rage. She rushes the rest of the way down the stairs, she will probably only arrive ten minutes before Cosima but it will have to be enough to get things ready.  
How will she tell Cosima?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title was borrowed from a song by Sarah McLachan -"Hold On", which readers can listen to if they want to know why I borrowed it. 
> 
> Why does the muse torture me most when I have deadlines that are more important than writing fanfic?


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two days since the autopsy, and Cosima has yet to say a word about it. Didn’t it affect her too? Looking at a dead body that had looked so much like Cosima’s had disturbed her. Cutting into it was strange enough for Delphine, she couldn’t imagine what it had been like for Cosima. It was easier, Delphine knew, that she had not dealt with Jennifer directly while she was alive - though she had been involved somewhat in her treatments from a research perspective. 

Cosima watches Jennifer’s video diaries almost obsessively when they are in the lab. It is one now, a fully functional lab, complete with the rug and couch Cosima had wanted. Cosima was delighted with it when she first saw it, beaming at her. At least she gets to give her that, the lab of her dreams. Her heart stops every time she hears Cosima cough, it’s happening more often than before, Cosima’s always quick to brush off her concern and reassure her that she’s fine. Sometimes Cosima’s kiss is tinged with the coppery taste of blood, Delphine chooses not to notice.  
 Every time she steps out of the lab to work on other things she returns to find Cosima, sitting under a blanket watching. She’s paler, Delphine has noticed, but Cosima constantly brushes off any concern. She’s refused a CAT scan at DYAD twice now. Though, her stamina was still quite exceptional. Delphine finds herself smiling at a particularly difficult to forget memory of having Cosima in their new lab. The rug and couch were being put to good use. 

Her phone rings, it’s Aldous. She pauses before answering, “Dr. Cormier.”

“Delphine, please come to my office.”

He’s away, she’s certain that he’s still away, but she goes regardless. Security is used to her walking into Aldous’ office whenever, and basically disregard her presence altogether. They know, a small part of her mind insists, it frightens her. Delphine does not want Cosima to know. 

“I thought you were still away.” She says as she enters the office and sits down on the couch, a safe distance away. It’s not going to happen anymore, surely he must know that. 

“Briefly back, we’re having some trouble with the security in your lab.” Leekie remains seated at his desk.

“Cosima’s lab.” Delphine corrects without thinking. 

“Cosima is your subject, you are responsible for her - I want to keep her contained. Some of our higher ups have met Rachel; having them meet both subjects, would be, unfortunate. Come here.”

“I understand.” Delphine nods, standing to move over to sit opposite to him.  
 “I’m sure you’re aware that there is a sociological and psychological side to the study.”

“Of course.” Delphine doesn’t bother to clarify that she was not permitted access to this data. No one had even told her that Cosima preferred women, Dr. Leekie had thrown her in without a clue. 

“I do apologize, the survey is somewhat heteronormative,” Aldous hands it to her directly, “I’ve taken the liberty of making some notes.”

Delphine glances down at the page, finding herself reading descriptions like: ‘Subject performs cunnilingus on monitor; duration 32 minutes’. A list of other ‘alternative’ sexual activities follows. 

“No intercourse of course - I think I have a good start on a list for you. Though if Cosima’s stamina keeps up like this, it gives us more time health wise to devise some sort of experimental treatment. I do want any indications she’s declining noted in your next email. Which really should be the priority during work hours.” Aldous seems entirely calm, “Have you made any progress?”

“Where did you get this?” Delphine stands up, one hand going to her head.

“The security cameras in your lab.” Leekie looks nonchalant, bored, “Just circle ‘daily’ as the frequency of sexual activity. We don’t have a selection for multiple times a day.” With one hand he twists his monitor around, there’s no sound obviously - the clip that is playing doesn’t need one. She remembers what Cosima said, what sounds she made, how she moved and felt against her hand. How she’d kissed all over Cosima’s face after she climaxed. 

Delphine had suspected there might have been cameras, but she hadn’t cared. It turns her on, having sex with Cosima in the lab, more than she wants to admit. “Security forwarded you the footage?”

“Yes. They found it very interesting.”

Delphine’s not sure how to react, she’d used to being the good girl - the good employee. Playing by the rules, his rules. She’d always played more or less by the rules, but was it enough anymore? Delphine doesn’t care if half of her superiors know she’s involved with Cosima, better than having them spread rumours about her having an affair with Aldous. It’s probably killed those rumours completely, an unexpected benefit.

“Just fill out the form and hand it in Delphine, I don’t need to question you directly.” Aldous shrugs. 

She sits, filling out the form as he watches her, and the screen. It bothers her - it takes a few minutes to figure out why. It’s not like he hasn’t seen her naked before, and most of the lab sex had been mostly clothed. Then she realizes; she doesn’t want him watching her with Cosima, that should belong to her alone.

“Why do I have to? Isn’t developing a treatment for Cosima more important than how often I fuck her?” Delphine fills out the form and throws it back on the desk. 

“It’s part of the study, Dr. Cormier. As long as Cosima is living, she is still part of the experiment in its entirety.” Aldous leans back in his chair and watches her leave. She hadn’t even had to tell him she wouldn’t be sleeping with him anymore, he seems to have figured that out on his own. 

She makes her way across the DYAD buildings, through the indoor passageway to the old building, down to their lab. The anger and frustration wears off on the way, when she arrives Cosima is still watching the video diaries, cuddled up under a blanket on a chair.

“Are you cold?” Delphine asks a hand coming down to rest on Cosima’s shoulder. She catches sight of a bloody tissue, but decides to ignore it. 

“Just a little, it’s fine.” Cosima smiles, but it doesn’t feel genuine to her. 

“Was the autopsy too much?” Delphine asks. Or is it the video diaries? Cosima watches Jennifer decline over and over again as if it might change the outcome. Or to see what she assumes will happen to her. 

“No. Well... it was a little weird for me. But I can handle it. I told you, don’t be a bitch.”

“I know you can.” Delphine half-smiles back, dipping her head to kiss Cosima’s cheek softly. 

“Actually?” Cosima’s head tilts again, “I wondered if you could tell me who my former monitors were.”

“Does it matter?” Delphine asks. Cosima’s lovers. Friends. Whoever they’d been, it was done now.

“Not really.” Cosima nods standing.

“I only knew tag numbers, chérie, medical information. You were the first one I saw in person.” Delphine smiles.

“I think I’m ready to call it a day anyways. You find anything?”

“No. More autoimmune disorders - no match. Let’s go home.” Delphine offers her hand to Cosima and pulls her to her feet. 

“Hey... we could like go to the hotel. Order room service on DYAD... it’s Saturday tomorrow and we could just, you know, stay in bed all day.” Cosima is giddy when she asks her, expecting delight at this suggestion.

“Okay.” She agrees, even though she doesn’t like hotels. They make her think of heavy make-up and Aldous’s weight pressing her down into the mattress. Of larger hands pinning hers above her head or of being on her hands and knees, a carefully chosen dress hiked up around her waist. 

“There’s a king-sized bed.” Cosima whispers huskily under her breath, “I’m sure we can make the best of it, plus you don’t have to cook for me this way.”

Delphine smiles at Cosima anyways, unable to help herself, “I like cooking for you.” It’s like having their own little world outside of DYAD. A world comprised of food, conversation, sex and pleasure. She often finds herself looking up recipes during lunch and planning something for the two of them after work. She’s tempted to do silly romantic things like light candles, which only make Cosima tease her about trying to get lucky. Or kiss her senseless and nearly let her burn their dinner. 

“Nice to have a break though, obvs.” Cosima holds out her hand, standing, they gather their coats and leave together. 

They take a cab to the hotel on DYAD’s money - Cosima wants to spend it - that much is clear. They stand too close in the elevator, close enough that some of the other riders raise their eyebrows and stare a little too long. Delphine briefly considers giving them a show, tilting up Cosima’s chin and kissing her - but thinks better of it, for the moment.

Cosima fusses with the keycard a few times before Delphine grabs it from her and expertly opens the door. She’s done this a lot - but Cosima doesn’t notice. 

“Shower first?” Cosima offers, beginning to strip off her clothes as soon as the door is closed. Cosima hasn’t spent much time in this room. Her suitcase sits open in one corner, filled with some of her clothes - the others left at Delphine’s. Cosima’s clothes land haphazardly on the floor. 

“No.” Delphine hangs up her coat, and Cosima’s, before starting on the buttons of her shirt, she hangs her clothes over the chair, and removes her underwear before darting for the bed and pulling herself under the covers. 

“Hmm, bit cold, wait a sec.” Cosima walks calmly to the thermostat, increasing the room’s temperature slightly. 

Cosima slides in beside her, kissing her, being instantly skin on skin is different. She’s used to getting worked up through clothes first, and honestly she prefers it. But Cosima’s hands are slow, mapping her skin, lips kissing her body without any kind of rush. Delphine increases the passion of their kisses, tongue invading Cosima’s welcoming mouth, her hands on Cosima’s body. Is she...thinner? Delphine finds herself wondering, her brow furrowing slightly as her hands retrace their path from Cosima’s hips to her breasts. She palms her breast and Cosima arches, pushing her breasts into her hands, humming at her, kissing her back the same as before. Maybe she’s imagining it? But she feels... smaller. 

She finds her lips suddenly free as Cosima flops back on the pillows, dreads scattered behind her head, when did she take them down?  
 Cosima looks mischievous once again,“ Hey, Delphine, wanna sit on my face?” 

She honestly has no idea what to say, she stares at Cosima blinking, she cannot possibly be serious. That is insane. And especially dangerous given her respiratory condition. 

Cosima pauses before beginning to sing the words, “Sit on my face and...” Cosima trails off, “Never seen Monty Python then? Probably better that way. Still, what do you think?”

Delphine gapes at her, “Mon amour, no... you’ll suffocate.” 

“No I won’t.” Cosima assures her. 

“You need to be able to breathe, Cosima, if you want that - I’ll lay on my back, there’s plenty of room to spread out.”

“Hmm, new idea, flip over.” Cosima seems to be waffling on what she wants. Maybe it’s just for novelty, everything they do is still novel to Delphine. Cosima’s smaller stature, her softness, her smell. Everything is new, different and completely captivating.

“Why?” Delphine asks even as she rolls to lay on her stomach, Cosima tugs off the blankets to fully expose her.

“I want to see you.” Cosima moves to straddle her thighs, hands wandering up her ass and to her back, rubbing, massaging. There’s tension in her muscles she was not aware of until now, Cosima’s strong fingers working the muscles gently. Delphine rests her face to the side but she cannot see Cosima, only feel her. It bothers her slightly, but if this is what Cosima wants... Her hands feel amazing on her body, another of Cosima’s talents. 

She feels Cosima’s hot lips near her shoulder, kissing down her back, tracing her plethora of moles with her tongue. She groans quietly in response.

“I want to hear you make noise.” Cosima murmurs, hovering above her back, hands massaging lower now, her ass, her thighs. 

“Cosima, they may be watching us.” Delphine remembers, she should have warned her days ago, before they started having sex in the lab. Cosima had argued that she was the experiment, the science so it technically counted as work. Delphine knew she hadn’t needed much convincing, but she let Cosima insist regardless. 

“Figured.” Cosima mutters between fervent kisses placed against her ribs, the curve of her ass, “Don’t care, let them see.”

“I want to see you.” Delphine whispers as she feels Cosima’s hand slide up her inner thigh. The heat of Cosima’s body presses down into her back above her own.  
 Cosima leans over into her field of vision, “You can see me. I’m right here.” Cosima drops to grind herself against the back of one of her thighs, it causes her to arch up, to cry out just a little. Fingers tease at her sex once more. 

“No, let me... I want to touch you.” She reaches back for Cosima, but it’s awkward grabbing for her like this. 

Cosima slides off her pulling her into her arms, “What did you think? Do you like that?”

“Je crois que tu aimes mes fesses.” Delphine tilts her head back at Cosima, flipping her over.  
 Cosima’s grinning, “Okay, not sure exactly what you said.. I like your...something? Really hot though.”

Delphine hovers over Cosima, and finds herself reaching for her knees. Why shouldn’t she follow this instinct? This new desire to press her sex against Cosima’s. If it didn’t please her, she could simply do something else. Use her hands, her mouth...

“What are you doing?” Cosima looks up at her intrigued as Delphine spreads her legs and shifts forward. It won’t be a perfect contact for her, but it should be for Cosima. 

“I want to try something.” Delphine responds, looking down at Cosima spread beneath her, admiring her. 

Cosima gasps as she pushes forward and lowers herself, wanting to make better contact. “Oh god, Delphine.”

“I want this. I wanted to know what it would feel like.” She rocks her hips, feeling them slide together, hearing Cosima whimper and rock upwards. Feeling Cosima, swollen, gliding through her own wetness. 

“Spread your legs more.” Cosima demands, and when she does, Cosima reaches down between them to adjust, hands both taking hold of her ass, forcing her closer. Short nails dig in to soft skin, and she’s sure they’re leaving marks.

Her breath catches, and Cosima’s looking at her through lidded eyes, “Do you like this?” 

“Yeah.” Cosima moans, “Push into me a little more.” Cosima’s hands have done the work for her though, she’s pressed tight against Cosima, she rolls her hips again experimentally.

Delphine grinds down against her, enjoying the quick flickers of pleasure that radiate across her body in the brief seconds the contact is perfect. Cosima whimpers at the intimate contact.

And Delphine knows she’s teasing her, she can tell she’s rubbing against Cosima’s entrance but she doesn’t want to stop, even if it’s awkward, not when it’s hitting her just right. Not when Cosima is making those perfect needy little sounds under her. 

Cosima’s rocking up into her, her eyes close and she loses her balance several times, rolling her hips until she tenses, orgasm radiating through her body, and collapses forward onto a somewhat surprised Cosima. 

She’s still spasming and breathing heavy, when she remembers to grind again, she’s mewling at the feel of Cosima, still hot and swollen, pressed to her now over-sensitive flesh. 

“So hot...oh my god...” Cosima’s groaning again, beneath her gently rolling hips.

“Embrasse-moi.” Delphine says as she dips her head down, capturing Cosima’s mouth with her own in a desperate kiss. 

“Inside.” Cosima demands suddenly, releasing her death grip on Delphine’s ass, “Get inside me.” 

It takes a moment to readjust, to bring her fingers down, “D’accord.” She strokes her, enjoying her sounds, the hitch of her breath as she glides her fingers lightly between them.  
 “Stop teasing me,” Cosima whines, undulating underneath her. She’s never sounded like this before, “I want you to fuck me. Don’t you want to?” Cosima whispers, in what is either a plea or an attempt to regain control of the situation. 

“Je veux te baiser,” Delphine reassures her, entering Cosima swiftly, easily. The words are wrong, she makes love to her Cosima. As often as possible, as tenderly as she can.  
Cosima pleads with her, clinging to her, so wet she can smell her. Delphine lets out a whining breath, three fingers buried deep inside her Cosima, filling her. Cosima’s breath catches, she moans with every thrust, every movement. She’s never been this in love before, Delphine sighs contentedly, gazing down at Cosima’s body, flush under her, Cosima’s eyes, constantly watching her. She loves her, and the feeling consumes her, especially now. 

“Comprends-tu?” Delphine says aloud without meaning to, stroking deeper into Cosima. She can see evidence of Cosima’s copious arousal clinging to her hand as she continues her slow, firm movements. It’s all so sexy. 

“What?” Cosima groans, rocking her hips beneath her.

“The way I feel when I’m inside you.” Delphine answers, lips going to Cosima’s neck, kissing there, feeling her frantic pulse against her lips. She knows what to do now, she has learned Cosima’s body well, nevertheless she always watches her.  
 Cosima only moans, clutching her tighter, arching up under her. She’s flushed, achingly beautiful and hers. She can tell she’s close, tensing beneath her, around her. 

“Mon bel amour.” Delphine croons at Cosima as she moves within her, “T’es trop belle comme ça.”

Cosima cries out, contracting around her fingers, arms crushing Delphine against her chest. 

“Was that okay?” Delphine looks down at Cosima, smiling beneath her, she watches something shift over her face, “The first part?”

“It was great.” Cosima giggles, shaking off whatever it was, “I haven’t done that in years.”

“Why not?” Delphine laughs, cuddling into Cosima’s side, holding her. 

“Mostly? Women who weren’t into it. Infection risks, things like that.” Cosima laughs then stops, “But you always used condoms, right? I mean, I know there’s a half-empty box in your bathroom... And you ovulate, so no hormonal contraception, obvs, so condoms?”

“Yes.” Delphine nods before she realizes; Cosima is seeking reassurance she won’t be catching anything from her. And why wouldn’t she be? Cosima has no idea where she’s been, what her history has been like. Delphine hopes Cosima never finds out. Not about Aldous, at least. Delphine has wondered if Cosima suspects, she seems skilled at getting a read on situations, but Cosima has said nothing. She’s never even asked.  
 “Just checking, better to know, you know? Want to order room service? I’m kind of in the mood for thai food if you’d rather shower and eat out. But then we’d have to get dressed again.”

“Room service. I’m really hungry.” 

“You’re always hungry after.” Cosima reaches for the phone breathing heavy, she tosses the room service menu at Delphine, “No Eskimo Pies for dessert, but I think you’ll be the perfect after dinner taste.”

 

**

Before the sun is up she’s unexpectedly awake, Cosima’s hands moving against her in the dark. She’s unsure if Cosima is awake or asleep for a few moments, hard nipples brush repeatedly against her back and Cosima begins to kiss her neck. She’s sleepy at first but easily aroused, as she always is with Cosima. 

She doesn’t like this, being taken from behind - but when Cosima’s arm snakes around her body early in the morning she doesn’t stop her. Cosima says nothing, perhaps it’s too early for her. One hand finds her breasts, palming them and teasing them in turn. Delphine lets Cosima stroke her, rock her hips into her ass, gasp and moan into her neck as she does.

“Spread your legs.” Cosima speaks softly into the back of her neck. 

“Cosima...” She whimpers her name as she feels her slip inside. It feels different like this, she feels like she’s surrounded by Cosima, even though Cosima is smaller than she is. Delphine wonders what this would feel like in reverse, curled around her Cosima as she takes her, feeling her arch back against her like Delphine is now. 

“I love the way you say my name.”

Cosima’s breathing comes faster, more laboured as her hand works faster, as her hips move, she’s almost rasping into her and it’s... sexy. In the moment Delphine forgets to be the physician, forgets to be concerned. Until Cosima coughs hoarsely, losing her rhythm, Delphine feels something warm splatter against her back. Blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently what I want to do is get you all worked up and then make you cry. Sorry. This is not just smut...


	4. Chapter 4

Mornings now consist of Delphine throwing ingredients prepped the night before into her crockpot and turning it on low. She’s been doing this every morning lately, to maximize her time with Cosima when she’s awake, and save them time when it comes to eating dinner. She’ll wake Cosima after she makes breakfast, she starts that too - preparing a meal for both of them. No need to wake Cosima until it’s absolutely necessary.

Cosima is asleep in her bed, tired, always so tired. Cosima can hide it well enough at the lab, in front of Scott, but Delphine is with her nearly all the time. She sees the decline, more than anyone else. She watches Cosima closely, she still puts on her makeup, still smiles all the time, still cuddles up to Delphine, and still tries to initiate sex. Cosima clings on to life, and living, with both hands and all her teeth - she’s not giving up easily and for that Delphine is grateful.

She pokes her head back in the bedroom, to find Cosima still asleep in the middle of the bed, the only noise she can hear is Cosima’s breathing - not as steady as she’d like - but ever present. The coughing is typically worse at night, Delphine has been woken by it several times herself but never says anything, simply hands Cosima a tissue, and stays as close as Cosima permits.

She’s used to having a separation between sex and love. Sex was typically accompanied by lust, fear, or resignation. Practically speaking, sex was most recently a bargaining chip for her career, a little something extra to throw in because he wanted her to. With no real relationships of her own in some time, she’d had little reason to refuse. She’d feigned passion in hotel rooms, but adored her work enough to compensate for the lack of personal life. Delphine pauses to consider, if she hadn’t agreed to Leekie’s propositions, she may never have been assigned to Cosima. She cannot bring herself to regret anything that brought her here.  
Cosima stirs slightly, she makes a small noise in her sleep and clutches the blankets to herself more tightly. Delphine feels her heart swell in response. Love was something new. But Cosima has always been able to reach her emotionally, even from the start. Delphine wants to take care of her, she wants to save her, she wants to love her.

She curls herself on the bed facing Cosima, who is sprawled out on her mattress. She hesitates to wake her, she seems so peaceful. Delphine is aware she spends far too much time looking up reproductive disorders and autoimmune diseases. Symptoms, treatments, cures - if they exist. All have one thing in common; pain. The suggestion that Cosima may be experiencing pain during sex haunts her all day. More so than Cosima being sterile, she knew from the beginning after all. Only Sarah was different, Delphine wondered if they’d ever learn why, if they could without compromising Kira’s safety further. Cosima never said a thing about it, though she knew she would never be pregnant, never birth children. Delphine had to hush the little voice in the back of her head that volunteered that she could, she would do that for Cosima, if she wanted - if they wanted. Kira. Her thoughts return to the child, the anomaly.

Could she even save Cosima without compromising Kira? Stem cells from the pulp of baby teeth were one thing - Cosima was booked for the procedure tomorrow. It was invasive, but what other options did they have? Anything more from Kira, while it could save Cosima, would threaten the child’s well-being. Allowing the child to be brought into DYAD? Sarah would never allow it. She wasn’t completely unethical, she would never harm a child. The child was innocent, the unintended consequence of an experiment. She would never have trusted DYAD, not even with the knowledge the child existed. But the facts remain the same any way she thinks it through - the child does exist. She is a proven match for Cosima.

Isn’t saving Cosima worth anything? Cosima would never permit the treatment if she knew. Cosima’s life is at the top of her priority list, it should be, Delphine reassures herself. Betraying Cosima to save her? Justified.

She wakes Cosima with a soft kiss to the forehead, followed by pressing her lips softly to Cosima’s own. She knows Cosima is awake when she feels her kissing back, an arm is thrown over her shoulders.  
 Cosima releases her with a sleepy smile, “Morning,” She manages groggily, “Best way to wake up ever by the way.”

“Viens manger.” Delphine coaxes, “We have to leave for work soon.”

“Alright.” Cosima sits up and makes her way into the kitchen. She seems steady enough on her feet for now, “More soup?” Cosima calls from the vicinity of the eat-in kitchen.  
 “It’s for tonight.” Delphine answers back, slipping into the bathroom to get ready. Showering quickly before Cosima is finished eating - making sure that her shower will stay hers alone, and that Cosima will conserve her energy. She joins Cosima in time to eat a quick breakfast and wait for Cosima to finish putting her eyeliner on.

She doesn’t interrupt, she doesn’t even enter the washroom to watch her. Just waits.

“Ready.” Cosima smiles, fully dressed and approaching the door.

“Good.” She holds the door for her lover. She hopes she can convey her love and desire without sex. She tries kissing her more often, touching gently as often as she can and doubts it’s enough.

Scott is in the lab when they arrive, she watches Cosima approach him and join him in whatever he’s doing. Probably more clone genomes. Delphine smiles, satisfied by her choice in hiring, Scott cares for Cosima - Scott has no idea she’s the subject.

She should leave, she has other things to do - a procedure to prepare for the following day. But she cannot bring herself to leave the lab, to leave Cosima - even if only for a few hours. Not just yet.

Delphine eventually leaves to prepare one of the surgical bays, to book the anesthesiologist, the doctors, the equipment, the technicians. It’s so easy, there’s no reason for Cosima to know. Preferably ever, but not until after the procedure is done. How could saving Cosima be betraying her? She told her she’d try anything, and she’d meant it.

**

  
Later that night, Delphine lays on her side facing away from Cosima, eyes closed. She is trying to sleep, she is Cosima’s physician as well as her lover, and she knows Cosima is not well enough. She coughs up blood too frequently, is exhausted by the time she gets her home from DYAD and makes her dinner. Not everything has changed - she still lights candles, still makes an effort to romance Cosima, who smiles and jokes lewdly at her through dinner.

There’s no denying it anymore: Cosima is pale, thinner, fading. She won’t submit her to the intensive treatments Jennifer endured, they hadn’t worked and would only serve to make Cosima sick from a treatment as much as a cure.

And yet Cosima’s leaning into her, her hands ghosting along her body, even through the thin fabric of her nightgown it lights a fire in her. Cosima palms her breast from behind, causing her to arch into her. Not tonight, the more rational side of her brain insists, Cosima has her procedure early tomorrow morning. They both need their sleep.

“Mmmm.” She moans contentedly into Delphine’s skin, Cosima’s moving, no longer simply spooning but rolling her hips into Delphine. Lips find her neck and begin to kiss.

She lets out a breathy sigh, she had convinced herself that she didn’t need this. But she does, she craves Cosima near constantly. She allows Cosima to continue, her breath coming faster, surely just a little won’t hurt. Cosima’s breathing is uneven and ragged, and for a brief moment Delphine can convince herself it’s purely arousal, that Cosima is desperate for her and breathing heavy out of passion.  
“Cosima.” She breathes, closing her eyes, forgetting for just a moment. Before she’s struck by an image of Cosima’s chest x-ray from a week before. The moment fades. Delphine jumps out of bed frustrated, she hears Cosima groan.

“No... Come on, Delphine... it’s been three days.” Cosima whines. It’s true, only the last three days has she completely avoided sex. Delphine knows she should have cut Cosima off sooner, she hadn’t been ready to give that up, she never wanted to. Mostly Cosima has been tired enough, and accepted Delphine’s fatigue from work as an excuse. But here alone in her bed it’s harder to hide from Cosima.

“You are not well enough Cosima.” Delphine shakes her head, she walks into the washroom and closes the door. She’s aroused, her body doesn’t seem to notice the difference. She wants her anyways. She sheds her clothing as she starts the water running, she needs to relieve the tension somehow and hopes that this will hide what she is doing from Cosima.

Delphine steps cautiously into the spray closing the curtain, listening for Cosima’s sounds from the next room. It’s quiet, she must be exhausted. Cosima will sleep, Delphine reassures herself.

Her fingers toy at the edge of her sex before pressing in, but in her mind it’s Cosima she’s inside. Cosima; healthy, flushed and strong. Cosima; the way she looks when she’s about to come, the way she moves underneath her. Delphine imagines Cosima grasping at her skin, her shoulders, her ass. ‘I love you, Delphine’, her fantasy moans repeatedly as her fingers work quickly. Into Cosima, into herself. Je t’aime à folie, Delphine thinks, she doesn’t dare say it aloud in case she’s interrupted. That is what she wants to hear, say, moan, cry out whenever she touches Cosima.

The curtain is thrown open, real Cosima stands there naked, paler, thinner but her expression... Cosima steps into the shower cautiously, and just looks at her, eyes moving down to see Delphine’s hand moving between her own legs. She stops suddenly, the fantasy shattered and the mood broken.

 

“Do I feel too sick to you now?” Cosima asks, approaching her, stepping into the shower and closing the curtain behind her.

“Yes. Sometimes.” Delphine nods, removing her hand from herself, meaning to rinse off her fingers.

Cosima catches her hand and pulls it to her mouth, sucking the arousal into her mouth, letting her eyes close in pleasure as she does so, “Mmm.” She hums contentedly, until Delphine gently pulls her fingers from Cosima’s mouth.

“You don’t have to hide like this from me. You can do this in bed right next to me, if you want.” Cosima offers, “Or...”

“Cosima.” She warns, but the rest of the warning doesn’t follow, she just looks at her.

“Come back to bed.” Cosima starts, “Just ... one more time. I’m ok. I can handle it.”

“Until you’re better.” Delphine states, in what she tries to make a confident voice. Cosima will get better, she has to, they’ve barely even started...

“Until I’m better. Then we’ll go all night until sunrise for weeks on end.” Cosima nods, “I want you, one last time. Come on.”

“You shouldn’t exert yourself.” Delphine offers up lamely, turning off the shower spray and reaching for a towel.

“Well... either you can help me or I’ll get myself off. Similar exertion. Your call.” Cosima shrugs, gesturing this phrase out with her hands.

She follows Cosima to bed and lays down, not bothering to cover herself, “You shouldn’t waste your energy.”

“You are not a waste of energy.” Cosima shakes her head, sliding up next to her, “Your pleasure is never a waste of energy.”

It doesn’t feel joyful anymore, though she pulls Cosima into her arms and moves against her the same way. Kisses her the same way, lets Cosima’s hand slip down between her legs and take over what her own had begun. Her hand is not as strong as it once was, but it doesn’t matter. It’s still Cosima touching her, eyes locked and hips gently rocking.

She thought this would be over quickly, but Cosima touches her slowly, delicately until she finally comes and cries, tears streaming silently down her face.

“You know,” Cosima remarks casually, “I thought you were lying about the cry after sex thing but you really do sometimes.”

“Yes.” Delphine answers simply, with you, she adds to herself silently. It’s Cosima that brings this out in her, that touches her deeply.

“I don’t mind, you know, if that’s just what your body does. It’s fine.” Cosima reassures her, kissing her face softly, cupping her face in her hands staring at her like she wants to commit this to memory. Delphine knows she often tries to do the same thing. Cosima moves back slightly,

“Je veux te plaire.” Delphine whispers, her own hand moving down Cosima’s body, stroking gently at skin, gliding her fingers over ribs that she can now count far too easily. She lets her fingers slide through curls only to discover that Cosima isn’t wet, at least, not like she always is. Delphine blinks in surprise, looking back at her.  
 Cosima shakes her head, closing her eyes, “It’s fine, just hold me. I’m so tired.”

Delphine wraps Cosima tightly in her arms, clinging to her until she falls asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

They can both breathe easier now. The procedure is done, stem cells injected into the growths in Cosima’s uterus - in hope that they would slow the spread, help heal the masses. She waits sitting across from Cosima - who’s still waiting for the spinal anesthesia to wear off. Cosima, who still has no idea where the stem cells really came from. But the procedure is done now - it cannot be reversed, and she will keep this from Cosima, for as long as it takes.

“Now I know why my mom refused one of these when she had me. That and being a total lamaze-loving hippie.” Cosima jokes as she waits for the feeling to come back into her legs.

“Is there any pain? Headaches?” Delphine’s attention is drawn back to Cosima easily.  
 Cosima shakes off her concern, “Not really, just numbness, tingling - feeling kind of weak. Should fade. Complications are rare. I know, I know.”

“Do you want something to read?” Delphine stands offering, she could get her one of DYAD’s many publications, or grab her e-reader from the lab.

Cosima shakes her head, “No. Tell me something about you. We’re like living together and ... sometimes I think I know nothing about you.” Cosima’s hidden things too - her contact with her sisters for example. Maybe they’re both hiding things.  
“Like what?” Delphine looks up from removing her scrubs, she doesn’t really need them anymore now that the procedure is complete.

“I don’t know. Anything. Tell me about your family.” Cosima suggests, probably at random.

“Well, my parents divorced when I was twelve. My father remarried a much younger woman. I have two brothers, one older, one younger. Marc and Sebastien. Marc is married to Julie. I have a five month old niece, Zoé, but I’ve never met her.” It’s the short version, she doesn’t get into childhood antics with her brothers, or how Sebastien is always traveling around Europe and changing jobs. It’s enough for now.

“Really? DYAD wouldn’t give you the time to go?” Cosima shakes her head, “Never even met her?”

“I’ve seen her on skype. And I was going to go this spring, three weeks.” Delphine confesses. She’d been saving up her leave, ensuring she’d have enough time to spend and enjoy before having to return, though that was before Cosima, before she’d known exactly what she was dealing with at work, before almost everything that fills her mind constantly. Autoimmune disease. Cosima. Clones.

“Anyone else?” Cosima inquires curiously, reaching to play with her fingers.  
 “I have a half-sister, Emma, but she’s only fifteen years old. We are not close.” Delphine shrugs, remembering all too clearly the teenager who was convinced her father had replaced her mother, and then herself, in quick succession.

“Three siblings,” Cosima muses, “I’m like kind of jealous. It was just me, my parents and our cats growing up. Which was great sometimes - but nice to have people around.”

“Two.” Delphine corrects, “I have two brothers. Emma is so much younger...”

“So she’s not your sister?” Cosima, who has accepted her clones eagerly as sisters regards her curiously. And why wouldn’t she?

It’s different, Delphine reassures herself before speaking again, “I don’t know. She doesn’t feel like family?” Delphine suggests, “I’m closer to my mother and brothers.” She leaves things out, like how Sebastien never calls, how Marc resents her for not getting along better with Julie, but it’s not untrue.

“Alright. When was the last time you went home?”

“I’ve only been at DYAD for... eighteen months.” Delphine shrugs, “I was at my brother’s wedding. I talk to my mother every few weeks or so.” Has it already been that long since she’s left home? It feels like a lifetime ago. Fast tracking through school and her Bachelor’s degree in biology. Of course she’d gone to medical school, followed immediately by her PhD. Then she’d been recruited by DYAD, almost immediately after. That was who she’d been. Delphine: determined, ambitious, ravenous for knowledge. Was that who she was now? Her family was proud of her accomplishments, certainly, but she’d never had much of a personal life. Not since...

Cosima interrupts her train of thought, “Hmm, we should go someday. Meet your family. Let you meet your niece. See La Louvre. Tourist stuff for me, of course.” Cosima grins and then looks down at her feet, probably trying to get them to move.

“I’d like that.” Delphine smiles, though that would be somewhat awkward for her family, she hasn’t even told them about a girlfriend, she doubts they’d ever expected something like that could happen. She imagines the looks on her mother’s face, on her brothers’ faces. Bisexuelle. She can almost hear the word slipping from their mouths as they glance curiously from Cosima to herself, wondering what it is about this woman that made Delphine change. They’d be confused by this.

“Tell me something else.” Cosima plays with her fingers absentmindedly, “What kind of child were you?”

“I was the quiet one, the reader. I mean, I do remember playing with my brothers. They were both so loud. Mostly, I read a lot.” Delphine admits, probably to being the strange obsessive child who was constantly researching something, but then again, had Cosima been so different?  
 “Well that’s not a surprise.” Cosima laughs and coughs slightly, the moment broken as Delphine jumps to her feet to help her sit up. Cosima coughs for a few moments before it subsides again.

“Are you alright?” Delphine asks, staring at the spot of blood on the gurney sheets.

“Yeah fine. Slight headache, you know, the normal side-effects.” Cosima answers, “I think the feeling is coming back into my legs.”

“I think we’ll call it day when you can use your legs again.” Delphine states decisively, “You can rest at home.”

“How long do I have to wait?”

“At least another hour, then you can try to get up.” Delphine informs her.

“If you have stuff to do you can go.” Cosima volunteers.

Delphine smiles, reaching for Cosima’s hand again, “No. I’m going to stay with you until the spinal wears off.”

“Might get kinda boring.” Cosima tilts her head and shoots her a half-smile.

“With you? Never.” Delphine laughs, dipping to kiss Cosima’s cheek.

“I could start telling you tales from casa Niehaus - involving a very small Cosima, her greying older parents, and strange experiments that took over the house.”  
“Alright. Tell me.” She kisses Cosima’s fingers, and lets herself forget, just for a moment.

 

**

A few hours later and they’re home, Cosima crashed on the couch, Delphine sent to go get Thai take-out.

On her way back in the front door She nearly runs into her landlady, Linda, who eyes her strangely these days.

“Hello Delphine.” Linda greets her cheerily.  
 “Bonjour.” She answers, her tact has been to continually charm her landlady. Who is probably growing more and more suspicious as her tenant has moved in, rarely been home, had her older boss over at inappropriate hours, taken off to Minnesota for a few weeks, returned with a young woman and proceeded to rapidly set-up house. It’s not as if she can be unaware, her apartment unit is directly under Delphine’s.

“So... do you want me to put another name on the lease?” Linda asks weakly, “What is your ...Cosima’s... last name?”

“Um. Not just yet. Thank you.” Delphine nods, and moves to go up the stairs. She shifts the large paper bag to reach her key and open the door.

Cosima is sitting up on the couch, smiling at her - it’s enough to have Delphine feeling the now familiar rush of love for her.

“Smells good, you get the pad thai?” Cosima grins hopefully from her spot on the futon.

“Yes. And the soup, mango salad and... the coconut curry thing you wanted.” It’s a lot of food, but she wants Cosima to have it, if she wants it.

“Sounds perfect.” Cosima gets to her feet, slightly unsteady. There’s no need for that, she doesn’t want to watch Cosima struggle.  
 “We can eat on the couch,” Delphine waves her hand permissively, “Sit back down.” She brings the food over, they don’t even really need plates - they can eat out of the same containers, cuddled close like this. She doesn’t care if she needs to steam clean the couch when they’re done - it has seen its share of mess from food and sex in the last few weeks.

Cosima teases, “Mmm you rebel. I like it.” Before easing her way back down, patting the spot close beside her for Delphine to join her.

Cosima digs in happily, but her appetite isn’t as good as it once was, Delphine packs away the leftovers - should be good next day.

“Shower?” Cosima asks hopefully, “We’ll just, you know, bathe.”

Delphine hesitates, but doesn’t want to deny her, “Okay.”

They only wash each other, her hands running down Cosima’s body, washing her hair, cuddling her close under the spray. She’s drying off in her bedroom, about to reach for her nightgown when Cosima stops her, dropping her own towel to the floor.  
 “Can we just sleep naked? I want to be able to feel your skin.”

“Cosima...” She’s chiding her now.

“Just sleep, I promise.” Cosima holds up her hands in mock surrender, “I’ll even let you be big spoon so you can like supervise my hands.”

“Oh mon amour.” Delphine shakes her head, slipping underneath her covers and drawing Cosima close to her, pressing to her back. Lining up her legs so she’s pressed along every inch of Cosima’s back, holding her. Rough dreads pulled out of the way so she can reach Cosima’s neck with a kiss.

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re kind of easy?” Cosima jokes.

It’s not funny, but Delphine finds herself laughing anyways. For Cosima, she is - that much is certain.


	6. Chapter 6

Of course, Cosima does not come home. Though, how could she have expected her to? Even so, Delphine had waited, to eat - to go to bed... all of it, hoping that Cosima would show up. Stupid...

She’d hidden the source of the stem cells, and when confronted Cosima had lashed out at her again. Get out. It was always ‘get out’. In the end, she’d given up her argument and left meekly. Delphine shakes her head remembering. 

At least this time without wounding as deeply- there were no implications that she couldn’t please Cosima sexually. No, she’d done something far worse this time than touch Cosima clumsily through lacy panties. Worse than lying about her name or who she was. Worse than trying to bring her to Leekie, recruit her to DYAD. Though, in the end - she had, from DYAD’s perspective - filled her obligation as monitor.  
 Cosima’s lab. Cosima’s body. Cosima was the science. It should be Cosima’s decision. All true.

The tests were positive, the stem cells a match - it made sense to push through with the treatment. Also true.  
 Cosima’s autonomy. Compromised. Cosima’s life? Still hanging in the balance. Also true. Delphine rolls again, unable to sleep. 

She stares at the ceiling, wondering about Cosima. Where is she now? The hotel? At Scott’s? With Sarah? Felix’s loft? The only chance of keeping Cosima alive is a treatment she’s determined to refuse. She thinks of Ethan Duncan - the original genome? Do they have enough time to devise other treatments? A cure?

 

Delphine flops around in her bed, it feels too big for one person. It still smells like Cosima. She gets out of bed and rummages in the fridge, grabbing a fork and eating leftover thai food at her kitchen table. She shovels the food into her mouth, not thinking of anything other than how Cosima loves it. How she jokes and laughs as she eats. Delphine repacks the leftovers when she’s done, throwing her fork into the sink, not bothering to really clean up. 

She returns to her bed only to cradle her head in her hands. This day was too much. DYAD. Fighting with Cosima. Why won’t she just let Delphine save her? Or at least try... It’s only a tooth, the child was not harmed. She stops her justifications, there’s no point. Cosima isn’t in the wrong. She is. 

Cosima. Her bed is too empty without Cosima, she misses her company, her voice, her cheeky remarks. Tomorrow she will go to the lab, try to talk to Cosima... maybe it will be okay. Cosima has been love and best friend to her, practically since they met - maybe she could make this blow over, like their first fight. Her life was far too lonely before becoming a monitor, before falling in love with her subject - is that why Aldous chose her for this assignment? Had he guessed that she’d be drawn to Cosima as a friend? As a lover?

Delphine rolls over to check the time before picking up her cell phone and dialing a familiar number. Who else is she going to call? Who else would listen? She feels silly for a moment, listening to the phone ring against her ear. 

“Allô?” A very familiar voice answers, soothing - to Delphine at least. 

She waits before speaking, unsure of what she’s going to say, “Maman?”

“Delphine?” Her mother responds, surprised at her caller, “Qu’est-ce qui passe?”

Her mother is right, she doesn’t usually call - in fact she hasn’t since Cosima had moved in with her. It never changes between the two of them. They have the same fight, her mother is annoyed she left France - and never hesitates to bring it up. Her mother doesn’t understand her passion for her work, her love of medicine and research, her unwillingness to be ‘just a doctor’ in France. But not this time, Delphine needs this conversation to go differently. 

“Toi me manque.” Delphine responds honestly it has been too long since she spoke to her mother, “J’ai... J’ai rencontré quelqu’un et...”

“Ma grande,” Delphine hears her mother pause as she lights a cigarette, the click of the lighter unmistakable to Delphine, “Attends un moment.” 

She cannot tell her everything - but the story slips out piece by piece, in many ways it resembles the truth. She’d met someone through work, fell instantly, and they were fighting. No details, no clones, just a simpler story than the one she was actually living. Her mother listens, though when she explains Cosima is a woman there is a long silence on the other line. She waits for it to sink in. 

“Cosima? Une femme?” Her mother repeats making sure that she heard her correctly, “Quoi? Soudainement t’es lesbienne?” A lesbian now? No. She was still attracted to men, though right now she could not care less if she ever slept with a man again. Delphine didn’t want women either, she wanted Cosima. 

Delphine swallows before responding, “Non, mais amoureuse de Cosima quand même.”

It’s not the conversation she intended on having, not about love and sex, sexuality as a great spectrum, but her mother - to her credit - listens and smokes and asks questions.  
Bisexuality sounds funny slipping from her mother’s mouth - but it is far more pleasant than any other conversation she’s had with her mother in months. Perhaps because they are actually talking, actually listening to each other. 

She talks of Cosima, quitting smoking, and work keeping her busy. She never provides details on her work at DYAD beyond ‘immunological research’ and her mother never asks for more. Eventually topics turn to her brothers. Zoé has begun teething - Marc and Julie happy, but always tired. Sebastien working in Nisse, for the time being. Her mother then speaks of her new boyfriend, and a planned vacation to Spain for the two of them, Delphine listens, asks the polite questions before her mother hints she has breakfast plans and must go. 

The conversation leaves her with an urge to smoke, instead Delphine gets up and applies a new nicotine patch to her skin - she’s not compromising on that, before climbing back into her bed. Empty for the first time in weeks. 

It’s too quiet in her bed, too cold, surprised to find she no longer likes sleeping alone. Delphine muffles a laugh into her pillow, sleeping alone had been her preference for so long. Better than feeling Aldous against her back during the night, or grab at her body sleepily, having to continue to fabricate passion and interest. Ever resisting the urge to swat his hands off her body, pull them off her breasts. 

She misses feeling Cosima’s soft small body pressed to her own, misses smelling her. The scent of her skin, the heady scent of her arousal. Her mind offers images, memories of holding Cosima, loving Cosima...

It’s strange to think that the first time she’d gone to bed with Cosima, that she’d comforted herself by thinking it is not really sex. That Cosima’s being a woman made it less somehow, as if that made it less of a betrayal. Less real, less relevant that she was her monitor, that Cosima didn’t even know her real name. Even though she was unable to deny the heat and arousal her own body felt kissing Cosima, touching her - somehow having missed for days that the attraction between them could be sexual. Could be... everything. It wasn’t sex - she’d told herself, how foolish she’d been. 

Until it was, Cosima moving over her, inside of her... undeniably sex. Her own neediness and longing, grabbing at Cosima from underneath her. Shuddering, shaking as she kissed her, as she held her eyes, as she came for her twice. Cosima’s tenderness, her concern when she’d found Delphine was crying. She’d cried because it had touched her, cried because she had no choice but to betray Cosima, cried because she feared she’d lose Cosima when she learned the truth. The memories bring a low heat to her body, she shakes it off, rolling over again. 

Delphine scoffs at the lie she’d been told, just foreplay - a few half-hearted licks if she was lucky, fingers touching until she was wet enough for ‘real sex’, or bringing her to orgasm as if it were something to get over with before they sunk into her. Delphine had enjoyed it all, of course, when she’d actually been attracted to her partner. How long ago had that been? Med school? Maybe before?   It wasn’t any less with Cosima. It was more, perhaps, because she is in love with her. Delphine flops back against her pillows, sleep will not be coming easily tonight. And tomorrow - she will try again, back to Cosima, back to the lab... maybe it will work. Maybe she’ll get Cosima to listen to her.


	7. Chapter 7

Delphine sits next to the bed in one of DYAD’s med-labs , she’d insisted on that much - keeping Cosima here - with her. The seizure had passed, all there is to do now is wait. She looks at Cosima, pale, a nasal cannula providing her lungs with extra oxygen - an attempt to compensate for the effects of the polyps. Cosima had not been getting enough oxygen. It was so stupid, so foolish to get high with her, to take helium... Delphine berates herself inwardly.

She worries about Cosima slipping into a coma, brain damage from oxygen deprivation, hallucinations - all of it. What will she be like when she comes to? Confused? Disoriented? Cosima stirs slightly, but does not wake, she watches her breathing - uneven, but continuing. It’s only been two hours since the seizure, Ethan Duncan had left, looking rather shaken at seeing one of his clones so ill. Delphine wonders if that will be helpful, make him more inclined to help. She assumes he’s working elsewhere, doing something productive with his sequences. A few hours ago and she had been bent on examining the sequences with him, seeing what literally made Cosima, looking for ways to devise a treatment. Now? All she can think of is Cosima, and how she needs to hold on, just a little bit longer.

For the next hour she shoos out nurses and technicians, this is her patient. Cosima is stable, she does not need help with her. Not as long as Cosima keeps breathing.

The CT scan results are delivered by a nervous looking technician who hands her the file, and leaves as quickly as he can.  
 After the medical staff dissipate, Scott waits around, not wanting to go back to the lab until he’s reassured that Cosima is okay.

“I didn’t know it was so bad.” Scott runs his hands through his hair, “She seemed okay, other than the coughing thing. And I figured she was just smoking too much... I mean you know she smokes pot, right?”

“Yes, Scott, I know that.” Delphine answers, “She’s good at hiding it, you have to watch her.”

“Yeah. I guess. I’m going to go home then I’ll be back tomorrow.” Scott leaves, looking shaken.

“That is a good idea, goodnight Scott.” It’s early to be calling it a day, but there’s no sense hanging around here when Duncan has already gone back to wherever Rachel is making him stay, likely under guard. She finally has the nerve to look at the CT scan results, how far has it spread? She plugs the USB key into her laptop, and hesitates a moment before opening the file. The results leave her shaking, and needing to sit down. The polyps have spread... Kidneys, epithelial tissue... Cosima will die unless they do something soon. Tears burn her eyes, the back of her throat - she chokes them back. Not now, not here. Her mind spins to solutions - Kira, Duncan, bone marrow, stem cells, gene therapy...

“Hey.” Cosima greets her groggily.

“Hi.” Delphine smiles back at her, unable to help herself, she moves closer to Cosima, fingers stroking the skin on Cosima’s hands.

Cosima takes a moment to take stock of her current situation, the gurney, the cannula and oxygen tank, “How am I doing?”

“Not well.” Delphine answers honestly, interlacing her fingers with Cosima’s.

“What were you looking at?”

“Your CT scan results. The polyps have spread.” Delphine’s voice catches, she holds back tears and finishes as professionally as she can, “Your kidneys, epithelial tissues...”

“Okay. Not so good. So when do we get to go home?” Cosima must know, she must know how sick she is, she must be able to feel it.

Delphine shakes her head, “You’ll stay here now. If you have another seizure - this is the safest place to be. You need to be on oxygen now. There will be a doctor on staff - in range at all times.” Would they be needing one? Would it even be wise to try to resuscitate Cosima if she needed to? Is it time to contact Cosima’s parents? Everything in her life has become so intertwined, work, Cosima, everything that matters is all tied up together.

“And you?”

“I’m staying too.” Delphine decides, “Well, I will need to run home to get us some clothes - but I’ll be back, I’ll be gone less than an hour. We’ll transfer you to the lab when we get back. It’s nicer in there.”

“You can go, it’s fine.” Cosima yawns, “I’ll still be here when you get back.”

“Cosima...” She cannot stop her voice from breaking.

“Hey, hey we’re okay. And I’m really sexy with nose tubes... hey Delphine, cannula-lingus!” Cosima grins stupidly, amused at her own pun.

Delphine’s brow furrows for a moment as her brain tries to work out the joke, though she ends up crying instead of laughing, “T’es folle...”

“Wow... you miss it that much?” Cosima teases, though her voice is weaker than it usually is.

“Yes.” Delphine answers, she misses Cosima’s taste certainly, but sex is far less important than keeping Cosima alive, with her.

“What would you do to me if you could?” Cosima looks at her, leaning back as if a cannula was not inserted into her nostrils, as if they were anywhere else.

“Save you.” Delphine answers distractedly, pulling a chair up next to the gurney so she can sit down. She’s missing the point of whatever game Cosima is trying to play, it is not the time.

“What else?”

“Cosima...” This was not happening, she was not going to play this game.

“What if we met earlier?”

“Earlier? Cosima, I lived in France, you would have never passed the DELFI.” Delphine shakes her head.

  
 “The Del-what?” Cosima perks up, the similarity to her own name having caught her attention.

“It’s a test non-francophones must take to study at French universities. International language proficiency test.” She explains as simply as she can.

Cosima giggles, “Well, say I was better at French and did pass... what would have young Delphine have thought of me?”

“How old?” Delphine plays along, “As little girls?” She laughs at the thought of seeing a child Cosima. She’s seen a photo, a small Cosima beaming from in between her parents.

“Nineteen or twenty... Old enough, university? Semester or year abroad? Remember?” Cosima raises her eyebrows.

  
 That would have given them much more time, “Not sure what I would have thought about the dreadlocks. Or what you would have thought about my boyfriend.” Delphine ponders through the scenario silently, it would have been something very different.

“This was pre-dreadlocks, think more dyed weird colours, might have been really short for a while there. As for the boyfriend - I’d steal you away. Easy.” Cosima laughs slightly, and she coughs for a few moments, but the oxygen seems to help. Her lungs settle again. Breath returns to Delphine’s own lungs when they do.

“I was ...young.” Delphine hints gently, fingers stroking over Cosima’s hands, her knuckles.

“No difference,” Cosima misses the cue, “I’d seduce you with the crazy science, we were both in biology after all. You could have been my study-buddy. It would still be you, you know? Though I wouldn’t have known I was a clone... and neither would you.”

“You’d make me show you around, make Philippe very jealous.” Delphine returns to filling in details for this strange fantasy of Cosima’s.

“Yeah. But you’d love it. Then I’d probably get you high.” Cosima smirks, “Or take you back to my dorm to drink wine and eat chocolate after a long day of labs and readings.”

  
“I’d go...” Delphine cannot imagine a time when she wouldn’t have been drawn to Cosima. “We’d talk about everything - immunology, genetics, microbiology...” Delphine lets herself trail off, it would have been a lot less lonely having Cosima around then, but...

“So studying would turn into kissing.” Cosima grins, “And then I’d undress you and fuck you for hours - Philippe would not have been able to compete. Not with the kind of stamina I had then...” Cosima finishes off wistfully.

“He was my TA.” Delphine confesses, wincing slightly. Her pattern; older men - more advanced in her field than she was, least Philippe had only been a few years older - but enough that he could theoretically engage with her on a higher level - when he wanted to, which had been rarely.

“Okay, so I might fail a course.” Cosima tilts her head, “Or I’d report him... it’s kind of inappropriate.”

“We hadn’t been together long - you probably could have stolen me away, only... you might want to wait a few months.” Delphine nods smiling. Why not tell Cosima this? She’d told her after all.

“Only ...wait? Why?” Cosima’s attention caught finally, her hand trapped, fingers interlaced with Cosima’s own.

“Until after he ...decided I was too old to be a tease?” Delphine chooses her words carefully. Cosima’s eyebrows raise slightly, in...surprise Delphine supposes.

“I don’t care. It wouldn’t have bothered me either way.” Cosima shakes her head, “Though if it was just a semester I was there I might have not wanted to wait to have you myself, obvs. Wait... is that actually what he told you?”

“Yes.” Delphine answers simply.

“Well that’s stupid.” Cosima hesitates, “Did you love him?”

“I liked him, very much.” Delphine stops wanting to make things clearer, “Mais c’est toi que je t’aime.”

“Yup. I’d have stolen you away. Easy. Only one change in plan - we’d have definitely been sober for the sex part.” Cosima smiles, and tries to stop herself from laughing.

“No getting me drunk to have your way with me?” Delphine jokes back.

“Nope. I wouldn’t need to. And never for a first time.” Cosima yawns, “Are you going to get me take-out and clothes?”

“If you want.” Delphine releases her hand and hops to her feet, “Or I could stay, and send someone else?”

“No, it’s fine. Go on, I’ll read or something.”    
Delphine eyes Cosima with concern, she lets it stay unsaid - the fear that Cosima will die in her absence if she goes anywhere.

Cosima reassures her, “I’m not going to die in the next hour. Just go. Get clothes and food. Not like I’m going anywhere.”

She leaves the room reluctantly, Cosima waving her on with her hands. She swears she’s never moved so fast in her life. The minutes it takes the subway to arrive in the station are painful, she glances at the time on her phone more than she wants to admit.

Delphine rushes home, calling for take-out to be delivered to DYAD - she’ll pick it up on her way back to Cosima. She packs two bags, a larger one for Cosima - and a smaller one for herself. Throwing her clothes in haphazardly, there’s no time to really plan things. She tries to choose clothes for Cosima that look comfortable, things that Cosima could sleep in if she has to.

On her way back to the lab, she calls Cosima’s phone. It rings endlessly before going to voicemail. A happy Cosima telling her who she’s reached and to leave a message. She panics for several minutes before remembering that the phone was left in their lab. Cosima doesn’t have it with her.

She rushes up the steps to DYAD, shows her badge and scans it and half-runs back to the med lab where she left Cosima. When she arrives, breathless and panting, Cosima is looking at her stunned.

“I’m supposed to be the one struggling for breath Delphine. Just breathe. I’m still fine.”  
 Delphine shakes her head, “You’re not fine Cosima.” She drops their bags on the end of the gurney, at Cosima’s feet.

“I know, I’m dying.” Cosima gestures, shrugging, “Did you even get food?”

“I’m transferring you... and all this,” Delphine pauses to gesture to all the equipment, “Back to our lab. Now.”

“Okay. So what about the food?”

It doesn’t take long to flag down a technician to help Delphine move the gurney and the oxygen tank, Cosima argues against keeping the heart-rate monitor, claiming the beeping annoys her and Delphine acquiesces.

Delphine runs to get the food while Cosima checks her phone from the gurney. She stands up to slip their bags out of sight.

She returns, containers of take-out from a greek restaurant she favours, in hand. “Do you like Greek food? I can order something else if you don’t want souvlaki.” She places the large paper bag near the couch.

“No sounds good. It’s not just my stuff you packed... this is yours.” Cosima holds out a shirt from one of the bags.

“Yes. I’ll be staying too.” Delphine glances at the couch, happier than ever that Cosima asked for it. Had she suspected this would happen? Or was it simply intended for sex?

“Delphine, just go home. It’ll be more comfortable in your own bed. Or I‘ll give you the keycard for the hotel- it’s a bit closer.” Cosima shakes her head.

“No. I’m staying with you. I told you, je t’aime.” Delphine can picture the sheer panic and total lack of sleep she’d get staying away from Cosima. At least here, if something happened, she would be a few metres away - maybe manage to stabilize her again. The results suggest Cosima has days, maybe two weeks left at most... She has to find something, and soon.

“Okay. It’s your call. The couch is fairly comfy.” Cosima nods, when she gets to her feet she pushes away Delphine’s hands - intent on reaching the couch on her own, pulling her oxygen tank along with her.

In the end they eat, Delphine not bothering to store the leftovers - it doesn’t really matter, not now. She runs them to a garbage outside the lab before returning, taking a moment at the door to slow her breath from her rushed pace before re-entering the lab.

Cosima sits on the couch, eyes closed and breathing as deeply as her lungs will allow.

“Delphine?” She asks finally.

“Yes?” She turns back to Cosima, she looks almost normal, if she could ignore the cannula tubes.

“If I ask you to do something kind of weird... will you do it?”

“Yes.” She answers without hesitation, returning to the couch to sit beside her Cosima.

“I want you to take off your clothes.” Cosima looks at her hopefully, “I just want to look, I don’t really have the energy to follow through here.”

Her hands are already on her shirt, pulling it off before reaching behind her to release the clasp of her bra and let it fall to the floor. She watches Cosima eyes, drifting lower, a hand coming up to trace the skin on her back, leisurely touch her as if she has time to spare. Cosima stares intently, watching her nipples harden, her body shiver slightly. Time. There’s not enough time... Her mind isn’t clear enough to permit arousal - if Cosima thinks that is going to happen right now she’s kidding herself.

“Pants too.” Cosima whispers, fingers ghosting lightly down her stomach.

“Cosima...” She sighs, reaching for the clasp of her pants, standing up and removing them in one fluid motion, bending to remove her socks before returning to sit on the couch. It’s not really warm enough in here for this, she feels cold, exposed. Though it’s late enough that they probably will not be disturbed. She finds herself crossing and uncrossing her legs, unsure of what exactly Cosima wants to see. When she meets her eyes, Cosima is simply looking at her. Eyes roaming her body, always returning to meet her own. She takes off her glasses and places them to the side, they’re easily close enough that she does not need them.

“Closer.” Cosima demands, adjusting so that she can lean into her, Delphine’s arms automatically coming up to hold her, pressing kisses to Cosima’s cheeks, her chin, her nose... she doesn’t dare kiss her mouth. Nothing that could compromise Cosima’s ability to take in oxygen. She sighs into Cosima’s body, who leans up into her for a kiss that she is not going to receive. Cosima hovers, close enough that she can feel her breath, but Delphine pulls away to kiss her elsewhere, lips trailing a path down Cosima’s neck to her collar bone.

“This is a little weird.” Delphine admits, her voice a low whisper. She knows all to well, that somewhere security is watching this, watching them. They’ll use this against you, a voice in the back of her head reminds her. There is no more Aldous - unethical but wanting to preserve the lives of his clones, his experiments. There is only Rachel... Delphine tries to push these thoughts away, returns her attentions to Cosima.

It’s a strange image, holding a fully clothed Cosima like this against her bare skin. Cosima, who simply leans into her warmth and says nothing. She’s rarely this quiet, never this still - it’s all very strange.

“Kiss me.” The words are soft, almost a sigh.

So she does, very gently, their lips barely brushing. Delphine can feel the cannula, and it frightens her, she begins to shake. From fear? From cold? She’s not even sure. Delphine finds herself wondering if this kiss is the last.

“Shit, you’re getting cold. Just get dressed again, it’s fine.” Cosima pushes her away gently.

“No - what did you want from me?” Delphine reaches instead for the blanket, wrapping it around both of them, huddling them in warmth as best she can with Cosima’s attachment to her oxygen tank.

“I just wanted to look at you.” Cosima gives her a tired smile, and a kiss on the cheek, arms going around her body, clinging limply around her shoulders.

In the end, she helps Cosima back to the gurney, positioning it for sleep, and sits stroking her face, her hands until her eyes close. Delphine throws on pyjamas, and curls on the couch, checking on Cosima sporadically until exhaustion finally claims her as well.


	8. Chapter 8

The guard escorts her all the way to the airport gate and observes her go through security. There’s not much to be done. Stupid, she berates herself. Why had she done what Rachel wanted? Why hadn’t she seen the trap? She thinks of Cosima, of Kira’s bone marrow she’d been preparing for the surgery. Rachel will never let Cosima have it. Cosima, how many days does she have left? Will she manage to rescue Sarah from the oophorectomy? Will Scott’s help be enough? Who will look after Cosima? Has she done enough? Will it ever be enough?

She’s distracted, showing her passport, allowing security to pat her down, going through the motions of boarding. The plane is already boarding and she makes her way to the gate, showing the ticket and her passport, nodding but not listening to what anyone is asking or telling her. She could quit DYAD, but then they may have her killed... She could put in for a transfer back to Toronto... or request time off... Delphine’s mind races through scenarios - ways to get back to Cosima as quickly as possible. Nothing plausible.

She is seated in an aisle seat in business class. Surrounded by largely middle-aged individuals clutching laptops and smartphones. It’s calm, it’s quiet. It’s all wrong.  
Delphine is usually good at keeping things contained, but something in her breaks and she’s crying through take-off.

“Are you alright?” The older woman sitting next to her glances at her, dropping her knitting to her lap.

“Yes.” Delphine tries to choke back her tears, it is not the time There’s no point in crying, but she cannot help it, the tears fall regardless.

“Oh honey,” the older woman shakes her head and digs in her purse for a small pack of tissues which she quickly hands over, resuming her knitting, glancing over at Delphine with concern. The clacking of the metal needles barely audible over her own tears.

She accepts the tissues, dabbing at her eyes and running nose - but she cannot stop the loud, ugly sobbing.

“Are you afraid of flying?” The woman sets her knitting back on her lap and looks over at her, “My husband is too.”

“No.” Delphine shakes her head, still crying.

“I don’t like flying alone,” The woman comments, “My husband is on dialysis - otherwise he’d be with me, terrified or not. Our daughter is an ex-pat in Germany. Got a job at the embassy, got herself a husband and never moved back. Flying is the only way I get to see three of my grandchildren, so I fly.”

Delphine pauses, assessing this woman - cross around her neck, grey hair - it’s probably wiser not to speak of Cosima. Not of her breaking heart, or her beloved’s breaking down body.

“I’m Margaret.” She smiles kindly.

She chokes her own name out through her weeping, “Delphine.” Her name won’t hurt her here.

“You going home Delphine?” Margaret asks gently.

“No. Work transfer.” She cries more, if anything. Other passengers start to look over and stare at her. Traveling business class is typically more comfortable and quieter than coach - but it won’t be today; Delphine’s sobbing continues, eyes red and breathing staggered.

“Not going home then?” Margaret nods, “I have more tissues if you need dear.”

Delphine leans back against the seat, closing her eyes. Where is Cosima now?

Margaret pulls out a small tablet computer, skimming through her photos.

Delphine tries to distract herself, it is too long a flight to cry for the entire thing. She glances over, the photos are of children, gardens, vegetables...

Margaret flags down a flight attendant, “Dear, could you get the young lady next to me some water? She’s having a rough time.”

“Of course.” The flight attendant nods, and makes his way back to the small kitchen.

“Would you like to see my daughter?” Margaret offers, holding out the tablet, a photo taking up the entire screen.  
 The photo is of a couple, a few years older than Delphine herself, and their three small children. The youngest a baby in arms, all smiling happily.

“Beautiful family.” Delphine comments. It’s true, the children are all cute and smiling, obviously laughing.

“Yes, I think so. The little one, Elias, looks so much like his mother. You’d think Kate had cloned herself!” Margaret jokes, “I think the girls favour their daddy.”  
 Delphine’s breath stops for a moment, but this woman knows nothing, she forces a smile, “Do you have lots of grandchildren?” That is what older people wanted to talk about? Right? It had been a long time since she’d spoken to her own grandparents.

“Yes, I have seven grandchildren.” Margaret announces proudly, “Kate’s my youngest - I have three other children, most of them are parents now.”

Margaret continues to skim through the photos, of children - some the same as before, others looking different - from Margaret’s other children, Delphine assumes. She comments politely, trying to redirect her mind from a constant stream of thoughts of Cosima dying, never seeing her love again.

The flight attendant, Ben, returns - handing her a bottle of water and then leaving her to the mercies of the older woman next to her.

A collection of outdoor photos follows, from what Margaret explains is her church’s last summer picnic. Mostly friends, Margaret and her pale grey-haired husband posing in lawn chairs. A photo catches her attention, two 40-something men cuddled close with a baby and a toddler cuddled between them, the next photo shows one man kissing his partner’s cheek.

Delphine’s eyes widen in surprise, “Who are they?” She finds herself asking, suddenly interested.

“That photo? My son Michael, his husband David and their two kids Olivia and Sam. Taken last summer, same picnic. Great photo isn’t it?” Margaret smiles, unafraid of Delphine’s reaction.

“It’s a lovely photo. Another beautiful family.” Delphine realizes she’s judged this woman too quickly, by her grey hair and her knitting and the tiny gold cross around her neck.

“Thank you. Took it myself.” Margaret smiles again.

“I was crying because my work is transferring me away from my girlfriend.” It’s not the whole truth, it can’t be, but it’s close enough. She bites back the tears, the same image filling her mind - Cosima dead, Cosima dying, she fights it off.

“Don’t they have same-sex partner benefits? The company is in Toronto?” Margaret shakes her head sadly, disgusted at her employer.

She thinks quickly for a close to true response, “We don’t qualify. Not together long enough.” Delphine begins to tear up again, there’s no way to explain it to this woman, she’s just going to cry all the way to Frankfurt beside her. Cosima is struggling for breath and she’s... she’s looking at photos of a stranger’s very full life.

“My advice? First chance you get for vacation you come back, get your girl, go down to city hall and you marry her. They won’t dare separate you if you do.” Margaret shakes her head sadly, “Michael and David have been married six years now - safest way to go I think.”

There’s no hesitation - she would do anything to stay with Cosima. “We haven’t known each other very long,” Delphine confesses.

Margaret volunteers, “I married my husband eight months after we met, and I haven’t regretted it for a minute. Well not really.” She laughs pleasantly, knowingly.

It’s too complicated, Cosima is dying and this woman would have her planning her wedding. A wedding... Even just dragging Cosima down to city hall and having it done there. Delphine snorts unable to help herself, “I don’t think...”

“Well, it’s a option. Whatever company you work for wouldn’t transfer you away from your wife.” Margaret nods, “Unless you’re one of those people who doesn’t want to get married.”

“No... no it’s just...” Delphine trails off. Marry Cosima? Yes, a part of her mind screams at her. A more rational part knows there is no time. How ridiculous would that be? Cosima would probably laugh at her if she even suggested it. Though, the spouses of the subjects probably have more rights to remain with them... Not enough time, never enough time. Not with DYAD, not with clones and disease and Cosima dying. Not with Rachel calling the shots, not with Cosima’s sisters likely as trapped as Cosima, or wanting her dead as well. Not with Kira kidnapped by Rachel...

“Just what?”

“Maybe I will.” Delphine lies, blinking back the tears, “I’ll marry Cosima, come back to Canada. Apply for citizenship.” She wonders what it would be like to have this be easier, be as simple a story as she’s telling to Margaret.

“There you go. You’ll figure it out.” Margaret pats her hand reassuringly, “A few months apart will mean nothing in 46 years, believe me.”

Delphine weeps again, unable to prevent it, in 46 years Cosima will have been dead nearly as long. Unless she does something soon... Or she’s wrong about Rachel - if Cosima is given the bone marrow there is a chance she will survive, at least long enough for gene therapy. But without her? Without an immunologist? With whatever physician they assign to her? Delphine doesn’t trust them to try, doesn’t trust them to do anything.

Another image comes to her - sitting on the couch with a grey-haired Cosima, watching Cosima reading and rubbing her toes on Cosima’s veiny foot making her laugh. Her smile the same, even with her aged face, the same thrill running through her at the sound of Cosima’s laughter. Walls covered with photos of their travels? Their children? Whatever it would be, their entire life lived together. Bookcases packed with books, both novels and nonfiction, French and English. The life she desperately wants to be living.

Whatever comes, she will not be easily separated from Cosima - she will think of something...

After all, she has eight hours.

 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> May need a beta.  
> Really should be studying instead of writing this.
> 
> If you want to motivate me to get through these chapters quickly (within a few weeks) - I suggest reviewing.  
> Or review because this writer craves validation from strangers off the internet.


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